way back when..

Listening to 'old time' music like backstreet boys and n'sync makes me think back to how simple things were back when we were all in primary school. When did things get so complicated? When did it start mattering what others thought about you? I remember when I was young, having fun and having friends were the most important thing. I'd come home and have a snack then go to my friends house to do "homework".

Way back then, boys had cooties and your best friend could be someone you met 2 minutes ago. There was no competition on who was prettier or smarter or who was more date-able. Sex wasn't an issue and a water fight would break out because it was fun, not because a guy wanted to see through your shirt.

Way back then, a game of tag was the only chase we worried about. The only makeup that we put on was our mother's because we were nosey. Dressing up consisted of going through your parents closets - not going out and looking like a 'slut'. The only touching or dancing we did was at arms length apart - or the length of a ruler, depending on what school you went to.

A part of me wants to go back to those times - things were simple and straight forward. We were smart about what we did and didn't over complicate every situation we got ourselves into. Too bad we're growing up without really knowing it. If only...

xox

sleepless in seattle?

Well I'm not in seattle thats for sure, though i do love the city. I've come to a new realization that some of you might already know. I'm taking myself off the market - completely! - starting today. I believe that little problems in life (mostly caused by myself of men) are starting to build up, so my new philosophy ensues. It's a new day so I can start off fresh and maybe get some sleep finally. Lately, I've gotten into bed and just laid there for god knows how long and the next thing I know, I'm tossing and turning in my bed and it's pitch black. When the sun finally starts to rise, that's when my eyes close and i start to feel like I'm getting some rest. Well apparently when the sun is up - my alarm goes off - who would have thought.

I've tried to physically exhaust my body so I can actually sleep but that doesn't work. I've tried not thinking and just let my mind go - and that unfortunately leads to not so good places sometimes. I've even tried to type it all out, and that doesn't work either. I'm out of options. Next step - my social life will take a toll this weekend. I'm not going out - which means that i can go to bed early (like that's going to happen) and sleep in til the wee hours of the day. Work needs to get done and gym needs to...well...i need to go to the gym lol. So I have no clue how thats going to work out, but I'll be sure to update you.

Speaking of updates, I shall start a semi-journal (i guess thats what you would call it) about myself being off the market. This will act as an AA meeting for alcoholics. How many days "sober"...Oh, for those of you that are wondering why I'm doing this - its kind of a complicated story but the jist of the matter is that I don't know if I'm going to be back in Toronto next year. To me, there's no point in starting something when I can't be sure of anything on my own. How is that fair right? For once, I can truly say that I don't have a clue what I want in terms of my 'love life' - or lack thereof. I just want to graduate and going on what is said to be my life.

so far - this is day 2 - wish me luck
xox

predicaments

The troubles that us girls go through, the thoughts that run around on repeat mode in our heads - none other than predicaments. Predicaments that we PUT ourselves in because we know no better. To be quite honest, it seems to be that almost every girl now a days has some sort of drama in their life, all because of a species we like to call men. I stick by the fact that men are the complicated ones - they never just straight up tell you want they want but they like to play around with your mind and make you feel important, when you're really nothing to them. If there's anything that I've learned throughout the years is that everyone is replaceable. It may not be for the better or worst, but if one person was to unfortunately go missing or something along those lines, the world would go on. As much as i hate to say it, no one is really that special - and one should never think that they are.

Us girls have this vision in our minds that we should be treated like princesses and given anything that we want. The point is that if you don't ask for it or act like you deserve it, you aren't going to get it. To be frank, if you act like a slut, people - not only men - will treat you like a slut. Stick by this ladies, if a man wants you, he'll find a way to make it happen. Stop stressing so much about something that is not meant to happen. If it's meant to be, there will be a way - relax.

I would like to finish this little post with one of my favorite quotes that I remind myself every now and then:

"Fairy tales don't show children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed"

xox

just think...graduation

The joys of knowing your prof. I figured this one out just about 15 minutes ago when i got some bad news followed by good news.

bad new: I failed a test with a mark so bad that i dont think i remember how to read that number.
good news: i went to talk to my prof about it to see if it could be weighed less. I now have an appointment on thursday with him at 12 to discuss the issue and see what can be done about it. He told me, and I quote "Youre an excellent student and I know that. Just dont drop my class and Im sure we can work something out. You alway attend lectures and youve done well in my class before. We'll discuss it and it will all be resolved."

my only concern now, how this will affect my graduation. I was ready to drop it, but think about it - its been roughly 4 weeks of class already. If anything thats 8 lectures and if theres labs in the class...4 labs. That's A LOT to catch up on. If there's nothing that can be done...well im sure theres something that can be done.

motivation: GRADUATION
emotion at the moment: heart attack covered with stress, disappointment and a little dash of depression.

things that will make me feel better: getting this thing resolved so i can stop stressing about this mark.

xox

true colors

Its funny when you get into certain moods and everyones true colors start to show. The people that you thought were your friends - really end up to be someone that you didn't they were. People's true colors tend to come out under pressure.

Sometimes, the colors are bright. Those kinds of people are there for you and try to cool you down when you're red hot. They are there to lend an ear for you to vent and are able to give constructive criticism. You can constantly vent and rant on about something that doesn't effect them at all but they are just there to listen and soak it all in because they know in the end, it'll make you feel better. They know you well enough that even though they reap no benefits, they have the ability to just listen because you mean something to them - and somehow how you feel, affects them.

Then there are the dull colors - the ones that care about themselves and only themselves. Pretending to listen while thinking about their own thing. Trying to turn it around so somehow you talk about them and what they're going through. Its funny when it has nothing to do with them, they don't care - even though they claim to care about you, and how you feel matters to them. When push comes to shove, you really don't matter to them and they were only your friend to take advantage of the benefits that you had for them.

Under pressure, everyone cracks. It just depends on which way you're going to shine - bright or dull?
xox

restless sleep

Its been a while since ive posted and i apologize, things are just hectic lately. School is taking off - after the first week, people's birthdays are coming up, and of course drama drama drama. Let's just say that im not exactly content lately. And its nothing personal at all, i just don't feel like being at school. i want to stay at home and curl up in a ball and let my body recover. It's not even the fact that i've been hurt or anything. Im just exhausted - in all aspects. It's funny when push comes to shove and you figure out who really is there for you. It's upsetting that someone can go MIA for weeks and all of a sudden be like "hey, so ive been feeling not so good lately and i know i havent been a good friend. i wanted to say sorry." and think that all is okay. Knowing me, it is okay, cause i'll just end up letting it go.

I let go. I have no expectations for people anymore. If you dont already know, i took myself off the market - and its actually going to stay that way. Im no longer interested in having a bf or a companion right now - of course its not to say that if 'mr. right' comes along, im not going to give it a shot. my new rule is no more 'mr. right now'. Im no longer going to let people treat me like shit and say that they are my best friends and that they care about me.

All i ask is 3 things. Respect, Consistency, and Straight forwardness.

Im going to crawl back into my little hole right now and hibernate. I'll let you know when the sun comes out again.

xox

security and reflection

I'm at the Vancouver airport right now waiting for my flight. I've been here for roughly 2 hours now waiting just because some stupid person decided to try to blow up a plane around christmas time. Too bad that the vancouver airport hasn't up-ed their security for domestic flights within canada. Who's to say that someone traveling within Canada isn't going to try to attack a flight thats going within Canada. It took me literally 10 minutes to pass check in AND security. I really don't like the idea that security takes like 2 minutes. Mind you, the new rule about no carry on luggage makes a difference I guess - but still. That's besides the point. I would like to know that my safety is being taken into consideration. I guess being 3 hours early for my flight isn't as bad as it seems. Better safe than sorry, right?

I figured that i might as well take this time to reflect on 2009 - since it is a new year and all. Knowing my resolutions, I would like to thank a few people

'Vanilla' - I would like to thank you for constantly insisting that I get a back bone and stick up for myself. Without your constant "nagging" - so to speak - i wouldn't be able to be as blunt as I am now. As much as i would like to think that most of it was my own doing, you have no idea what kind of an influence you have on me. In other words - "i pick you" lol

'Comma' - There are no better words to describe our friendship than 'i love you'. Through all the drama - boys, gossip and all - you were there sticking up for me, being there for me. I really would like to thank you cause without you, there's a slight chance that i would have never been a princess on my birthday. Beach parties, girl's night out, sex and the city nights and I can't forget the perogies. There is nothing in this world that i would change when it comes to us. Down to earth, level headed and best of all, NOT a psycho bitch. Can't imagine life without you. xox ps. wake up in the morning feeling like p diddy...

'Jae' - Even though we've known each other for like 6 months, i trust you more than most. Whistler nye 2010 - you beat most people when it comes to getting me drunk. Congrats - but that will never happen again, not to that extent anyways. Next time, we'll whip out the cranium or pictionary. I swear that I'm an artist when I'm drunk LMAO. Beer pong, flip cup...you name it. Apparently I'm a rebel according to some... So thanks for being my shoulder to cry on, my to do person when it comes to venting and your amazing ability to understand my fucked up situations.

'LoverBoy' - The most understanding, straight forward guy I've ever met. Even with a 'psycho' girlfriend, you are my new best friend. There's no doubt about it. I expect you to come and visit your favorite place in the world when you have time cause you and I both know that you LOVE the west coast - fresh powder, boarding, beaches and water. You were meant to be here. We were friends before you even knew me LOL. And who could forget my wonderful driving skills - especially in the fog. Many memories to come

So that's that. I hope that everyone's 2009 was fantabulous and 2010 is better. We all know that most of us deserve it.

Happy New Decade Lovies
xox

4....3....2....1

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!

It's January 2 2010. New years usually comes with new years resolutions. These are mine for the year:

1) love the people that matter and forget about the ones that dont. This is my way to avoid drama

2) GYM GYM GYM

3) no swearing - and by that i mean limited cause no is kinda out there

4) eat healthy

and I think thats that. Hope I can keep up!!

xox