moving out...

Sometimes there is so much joy in moving. You're going to a new place, get to go through all the things you have to figure out what you really want or need and what is garbage. Its a cleanse. But obviously there are bad things. The people that you're leaving behind, the place you're leaving that had so many memories, and of course, the place you called home for so long. When it comes down to it, I'm so excited to move just because I'll be at my aunts house for the rest of the summer until convocation. No one is convenient to me anymore - lets me kinda find out who is willing to go out of their way to see me and keep in contact with me. I guess its also a semi wake up call for me as well. I guess we'll really see how everything goes...

ps. SO happy that there's a treadmill at my aunts house. What would i do without exercise equipment for a month!!??

ELEPHANTS!??

So after roaming downtown today - you know..the things we do when we're OUT FOR THE SUMMER!! - I was getting a little upset that i couldn't find anything to buy. Mind you, I'm kinda broke, so it doesn't matter too much anyways. But clothes were not the attraction today - nothing like jewelry! I found the cutest necklace at forever21. Elephant rhinestone long copper necklace. It has got to be the cutest thing I've ever seen. Just enough bling to make a state, and simple enough to go with anything. I love it cause its something different from the owls and sparrows you see everywhere. Mind you, it would have been ideal if it were a giraffe. For those that know me, giraffes are my weakness. Im convinced that I'm going own one someday soon and I'll have a hole in my roof to it can stick it's head out. If only...

xox

HBSC

GRADUATION BITCHES!!!!

I finished my last exam today at 1. No words can contain the excitement that I'm feeling right now. SUMMER HAS STARTED!!!

that is all.
xox

lonely?

Call it a mood swing, but lately I've been feeling lonely. It's not that I feel like no one cares about me, it's more that i feel like everyones mad or pissed at me. The worst part? I don't know why. I understand that it's exam time and everyone is stressed, but for those that don't have exams, there's not much of an excuse for the way they've been acting. It's either - you're an asshole/jerk or I did something wrong.

Don't get me wrong, this is my NO means a cry for attention - it's not like I love attention anyways - but it's more of needing a piece of mind. I'm the kind of person that goes crazy if I truly believe that I did something wrong - even when I haven't. It's a trait that's for sure. haha. Time away from everyone that I feel has been treating me like a door mat is exactly what I need.

Time heals all right?

note to self

Real friends are hard to find.

I've realized that I go far and beyond for my friends, usually more than they are willing to do for me - which is a shame. If there's something that I know I can do to make a friends life easier, I'll do it. The problem is that after I do it, I realize that they would probably never do the same for me. I'd ask myself, what did I do to deserve this? And the simple answer is nothing. I'm just a door mat. I have never, in the 21 years that I've been alive, felt like this so many times in one year. My final year as an undergraduate student is just TOO much drama in my life. I wish - I really do - that some of my 'friends' could spend a day in my shoes and see what I do for them. The coffees, the talks, the time spent listening, being DD when they want to drink, the lunches, dinners, movies - you name it, it's probably been done by me to make someone's life easier or better. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that NONE of my friends aren't willing to do the same....just MOST.

There's your friends, your good/great/close friends, and the friends that might as well be family. The funny thing is that I treat them all the same, while most people don't. They are in different categories because they should be treated differently right? In my mind, not at all. A friend is a friend, no matter what kind of friend. Obviously there are certain things that you would do for a best friend that you consider family that you wouldn't do for someone you just met, but hopefully they have boundaries as well and realize that they might not have the right to ask. I compose this blog now because I came to this harsh realization today.

Now, there feels like there's a hole in my chest - well because I feel like a tool for being a nice person. This is the reason why I have walls. Unless there's a damn good reason why I shouldn't keep them up, they remain up. I was told to tear them down today and my response to that was "show me something worth tearing them down for and i will". His response: "...thats a tough one". My whole thing is that it's not hard to show someone that you're genuine, it's hard to show someone that you're genuine and mean it. I'm a very simple girl. I enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I like things that are straight forward and to the point. I still believe that my statement is very simple - but it's people like him that keep it up.

Moral of the story: It's tough to find amazing friends that will stick by you through everything. So when you find them, don't let them go - especially if they are willing to reciprocate the effort you put into it. Genuine people are hard to find. Through the 21 years of my life, I've found 7 girl friends that have remained un-catty, genuine, and trustworthy. In a girl's world, 7 is a decent number.

Something to smile about in the morning =)

control

Is control such a bad thing to have?

Think about it. As much as I would love to say that its a good thing to have, it can also go the other way. If anything, it should be a balance. If you really look at it, not knowing something isn't the end of the world. Sometimes you have to go with the flow and throw caution to the wind. Not knowing what to expect can be exciting, thrilling, exhilarating in fact. When was the last time you felt genuinely surprised? Your heart beats so fast cause it wasn't expecting it. Then the feeling of relief when it wasn't anything horrid. I've come to the realization that sometimes you need to slow down, take a deep breath, and just let things go. The more you plan and control, the less control you actually have. Keep your emotions in check and at the end of the day, make sure that you're okay. Wake up in the morning and go about your business like you always do, no expectations.

Once you start to expect something, things just go wrong.

another you

So many times I was alone and couldn't sleep. You left me drowning in the tears of memory. And ever since you've gone, I found it hard to breathe cause there was so much that your heart just couldn't see. A thousand wasted dreams rolling off my eyes but time's been healing me and I say goodbye.

Cause I can breathe again, dream again. I'll be on the road again like it used to be the other day. Now I feel free again, so innocent cause someone makes me whole again. For sure, I'll find another you.

Could you imagine someone else is by my side? I've been afraid he couldn't keep myself from falling. My heart was always searching for a place to hide, could not await the dawn to bring another day. Your not the only one so hear me when I say the thoughts of you that just fade away.

Cause I can breathe again, dream again. I'll be on the road again like it used to be the other day. Now I feel free again, so innocent cause someone makes me whole again. For sure, I'll find another you.

Sometimes I see you when I close my eyes. You're still apart of my life but I can breathe again, dream again. I'll be on the road again like it used to be the other day. Now I feel free again, so innocent cause someone makes me whole again. For sure, I'll find another you.

I'll find another you...

listen and learn
xox

refusal

I've been addicted to this song for about 24 hours aka it's been on repeat for that long. These lyrics are killing me because everything seems to match up with my situation...EXCEPT that I don't think I'm willing to wait for him to change his mind.

What makes him so special that I feel like I have to put my life on hold? Out of the six billion people in the world, less than half of which are men, what makes him - this ONE person - so special? If people are meant to be, it'll just happen right? Being in my predicament, I really don't see the point of me waiting. I don't know if I'm going to be around next year, and even if I am, what's to say that he will. He told me himself that he might be moving...again. It just seems to frustrating and I don't remember the last time I allowed a guy to make me feel this way. I feel walked on and like a door mat when it comes to him. It's not like I've never been in this position before either. The difference is that my friends that have met him don't seem to have anything bad to say about him. So why is it that all these other guys are pretty much throwing themselves at me and this ONE guy is just so indifferent like he has me on a string? You always want what you can't have right?

'It'll stop when you allow yourself to stop' is what a friend told me. And I completely agree, but maybe I'm not ready to let go cause he's still giving me that little glimmer of hope. No downtime to let me recover knowing that I have a thing for him - and if he doesn't know, he's retarded. Playing games? Maybe. Am I allowing him to do that right now? Completely yes because its affecting me. Do I want it to stop? Indifferent and this is where my problem truly lies.

My realization of my problems is that the source of all of them is me. As much as he might want to provoke me, I'm the one thats giving him a response, a reaction. AND I'm stupid enough to give him a reaction. I tell myself that i refuse to wait around for him, but what am I really doing right now?....

Note to self: You're an idiot. Thats what it all boils down to.

when do you know?

When do you know that you're over it? As much as I'm trying to go with it, I feel like i should just give up on that whole situation. I wish i could say that it doesn't effect me anymore and that's when you know, but I feel this....void. No matter what I do, I still feel it. I don't feel hungry anymore, all I want to do is crawl into my bed and stay there. Maybe its not him, maybe its everything in general. Not being in Mississauga is - well going to be different. Everything is changing, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE change but this one I don't think I'm prepared for.

Maybe it was him telling me that he's planning to move next year - 'anywhere but Canada' were his words exactly. No attachment right? Feelings and emotions are too complicated. I don't want them anymore.

ps. i apologize when things stop making sense - I don't really realize it when im typing and it may seem like i have no clue what im talking about, and most of the time, thats what it is....sorry

xox

what is a girl supposed to do?

The question that girls ask themselves - a lot. After my experiences last night, and not good experiences for that matter, i figured out who actually cares and who doesn't. One of my best friends kept me company while i wasn't feeling too well while the guy that claims to care and that I'm one of his core friends didn't check up on me once. Random people that I knew for maybe 3 hours tops were checking up on me. Really makes me feel wanted (key: sarcasm). Here's how most of the night went:

Goal: Give Kat a hangover
End Result: unsuccessful.

BUT - the events inbetween is where its interesting or funny depending on how you see it.

so I'll assume that most of you can guess the actions up to me going home. After making sure that i was comfortable and have water for whenever i needed it, i passed out to say the least. This is where my actions start to become amusing. I don't remember walking up the stairs to my room, but i do remember waking up at 5ish, drinking water and of course feeling sick again. I wrapped myself in a towel so i wouldn't get cold because my room is freezing. Then, i went downstairs to get my phone - texted this best friend apologizing for everything..then went back to bed. Woke up again at 6ish, went downstairs to make food cause i figured that i needed it. Feeling better at this point, i curl up in a ball as I'm eating this ONE perogy that I made cause i decided that starch was good for me at the time. After the perogy, I go back upstairs and go to bed. Next thing i know, i wake up at 8, go back to bed...then 10. At this point, I'm awake - WITHOUT a hangover..

Now for those that don't know, this drink was death. It was easily 1/4 of a 2 6 of greygoose and a red bull, half half. It's what you would call death for 5'6'' asian girl. So no hangover - THAT is what you call impressive.

note to self: do not drink to mask unwanted feelings - they don't get better as you drink more..

xox

new philosophy...part 2

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right; forget the ones who don't; and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. No body said it would be easy, they just said it'd be worth it.

Live by those words and you are golden =)

xox

new philosophy...part 1

So i have a new philosophy to life. Since all the unnecessary drama in my life as of late due to boys and school, this is what i came up with:

"My life is surrounded by people that actually care and if push came to shove, they would be there for me. So I have the BEST life in the world and anyone that doesn't care enough to be an actual part of it - screw you."

I think thats a good positive step to not care anymore. Seems uber logical to me. So this is the trial period. There are 6 billion people in the world, what makes that ONE stupid boy worth it?...nothing at all. =)

xox

please explain this to me

How the hell is it possible that a guy likes everything about you but doesn't want to do anything about? This concept confuses me....like a lot. I don't even know what to think about anything anymore. So much for going with the flow. There is no flow to go with anymore. F*** relationships. F*** dating. I'm done. That was the last straw