note to self

Real friends are hard to find.

I've realized that I go far and beyond for my friends, usually more than they are willing to do for me - which is a shame. If there's something that I know I can do to make a friends life easier, I'll do it. The problem is that after I do it, I realize that they would probably never do the same for me. I'd ask myself, what did I do to deserve this? And the simple answer is nothing. I'm just a door mat. I have never, in the 21 years that I've been alive, felt like this so many times in one year. My final year as an undergraduate student is just TOO much drama in my life. I wish - I really do - that some of my 'friends' could spend a day in my shoes and see what I do for them. The coffees, the talks, the time spent listening, being DD when they want to drink, the lunches, dinners, movies - you name it, it's probably been done by me to make someone's life easier or better. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that NONE of my friends aren't willing to do the same....just MOST.

There's your friends, your good/great/close friends, and the friends that might as well be family. The funny thing is that I treat them all the same, while most people don't. They are in different categories because they should be treated differently right? In my mind, not at all. A friend is a friend, no matter what kind of friend. Obviously there are certain things that you would do for a best friend that you consider family that you wouldn't do for someone you just met, but hopefully they have boundaries as well and realize that they might not have the right to ask. I compose this blog now because I came to this harsh realization today.

Now, there feels like there's a hole in my chest - well because I feel like a tool for being a nice person. This is the reason why I have walls. Unless there's a damn good reason why I shouldn't keep them up, they remain up. I was told to tear them down today and my response to that was "show me something worth tearing them down for and i will". His response: "...thats a tough one". My whole thing is that it's not hard to show someone that you're genuine, it's hard to show someone that you're genuine and mean it. I'm a very simple girl. I enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I like things that are straight forward and to the point. I still believe that my statement is very simple - but it's people like him that keep it up.

Moral of the story: It's tough to find amazing friends that will stick by you through everything. So when you find them, don't let them go - especially if they are willing to reciprocate the effort you put into it. Genuine people are hard to find. Through the 21 years of my life, I've found 7 girl friends that have remained un-catty, genuine, and trustworthy. In a girl's world, 7 is a decent number.

Something to smile about in the morning =)