refusal

I've been addicted to this song for about 24 hours aka it's been on repeat for that long. These lyrics are killing me because everything seems to match up with my situation...EXCEPT that I don't think I'm willing to wait for him to change his mind.

What makes him so special that I feel like I have to put my life on hold? Out of the six billion people in the world, less than half of which are men, what makes him - this ONE person - so special? If people are meant to be, it'll just happen right? Being in my predicament, I really don't see the point of me waiting. I don't know if I'm going to be around next year, and even if I am, what's to say that he will. He told me himself that he might be moving...again. It just seems to frustrating and I don't remember the last time I allowed a guy to make me feel this way. I feel walked on and like a door mat when it comes to him. It's not like I've never been in this position before either. The difference is that my friends that have met him don't seem to have anything bad to say about him. So why is it that all these other guys are pretty much throwing themselves at me and this ONE guy is just so indifferent like he has me on a string? You always want what you can't have right?

'It'll stop when you allow yourself to stop' is what a friend told me. And I completely agree, but maybe I'm not ready to let go cause he's still giving me that little glimmer of hope. No downtime to let me recover knowing that I have a thing for him - and if he doesn't know, he's retarded. Playing games? Maybe. Am I allowing him to do that right now? Completely yes because its affecting me. Do I want it to stop? Indifferent and this is where my problem truly lies.

My realization of my problems is that the source of all of them is me. As much as he might want to provoke me, I'm the one thats giving him a response, a reaction. AND I'm stupid enough to give him a reaction. I tell myself that i refuse to wait around for him, but what am I really doing right now?....

Note to self: You're an idiot. Thats what it all boils down to.